My favorite toy - 30 days of kink

Day 7. What's your favorite toy?

There are a lot of great toys.  Mr Reg bought most of them for different purposes: to cause pain, sexual pleasure or to restrain me. Some toys I take with me when I go on a date, others are only used by Mr Reg. I am going to cheat today and describe two favorite toys: the dildo for sexual pleasure and the pin wheel for pain and arousal.

Dildo

Mr Reg told me to buy a dildo when I was on a business trip to the US. The assignment was to get the largest one they had in the shop.  During that trip, he made me use it a couple of times while we were chatting.  It is a great feeling and one of the few toys that can actually make me come. It is easy too: no batteries needed and it makes no noise (except my moaning). It does have some downsides however:

• It is rather big. If I want or have to take it somewhere, it takes up a lot of space. 
• It is made of material that gets stained easily. I am not very good at keeping stuff neat. My laptop, ebook and all other things have sleeves, because I ruin them. The dildo has an ugly stain, probably from touching another toy that was kept in the same box.
• It looks ridiculous. I can't help it. I love cocks. But dildos look ridiculous and unsexy in my opinion. There is supposed to be a man attached to a cock. It looks silly when it 'just ends'.  Paradoxically, using it while somebody is watching is embarrassing and exciting at the same time because of the way it looks.

Pin wheel

The pin wheel is an example of a toy that I like because it makes me feel very close and connected to Mr Reg. It is not a sexual toy in that it makes me climax. It is not something I use on myself either. It is hot because Mr Reg uses it on me. He can use it in very different ways, to caress or to hurt me. To scare me or to calm me. He can apply pressure and make it hurt, or track it over my body softly, making me feel calm and relaxed. My favorite treatment: he traces my body with it, drawing closer and closer to my pussy,  where it really hurts. It scares the hell out of me, and at the same time I love the stinging feeling of the pins on my skins. Leaving a glow long after the pin wheel has touched it. Moving closer and closer to very sensitive skin. Applying pressure and releasing it again. Caressing me with his hand and then using the pin wheel again. Like the dildo, the pin wheel is very practical: it is silent, it does not need batteries and last but not least it is so small I can be taken in a purse or (very) small bag.

I guess I am a low tech girl when it comes to toys ;)

Sexual fantasy - 30 days of kink

Day 6. Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy

I am not going to share any fantasy that is weird, obviously. I don't want anybody to think I am weird ;) On a more serious note, weird or interesting is in the eye of the beholder. You can decide whether it is weird or interesting. Or boring. Or cliche.

To me it is hot.

Enslaved

I am locked in a cage. The cage is in the corner of the room. I am naked and chained by my neck. In the room are three people, two men and a woman. They ignore me. If I make too much noise or annoy them in any other way they pull at the chain or hit against the cage. I have no idea how long I have been inside the cage. I can stand up and sit or lie down in it. The temperature is nice, I am comfortable being naked.

After some time, the woman walks up to the cage and orders me to stand up. I comply as quickly as I can because I know she has little patience. I am afraid of her, she likes to hurt me whenever I give her a reason. Or without any provocation from my side. She opens the cage and takes me to the shower. She turns on the tap and orders me to clean myself. The water is rather cold and I start washing. She watches me while I shave and wash my body head to toe. She tells me to caress my breasts, while looking her in the eyes. To touch my clit. It is very difficult to hold her gaze. I look away and she turns of the shower immediately and grabs me by my hair. Mocking me for not being able to hold her gaze. She takes me to a room with a bed and tells me to lie on my back with my legs open wide. I am shivering uncontrollably and ask her permission to dry myself. It is denied. She inspects my pussy to see if I have shaved properly. She finds some hairs and gets a razor. She shaves the hairs, threatening to hurt me with it if I don't start paying attention when I shave. The razor gets really close to my clit, I feel her hands and the cold touch of the razor on my mound. She puts away the razor and pushes three fingers in my pussy. Hard and deep. I moan. She tells me not to make a sound and gets a little whip. Made from rubber strings. She starts hitting me with it on my pussy. I struggle to keep quiet and not to move. The pain is too much and I try to avoid the whip. "Every time you move you get one more", she tells me calmly. "Start counting". Every time I say a number, she hits me hard on my pussy with the rubber. I am crying, trying to focus on the counting. Not moving an inch. When I reach 9 she tells me "one more" and lashes out. She tells me to turn around and she puts a butt plug in my ass. I am told to get up and she takes me to the other room where the two men are sitting in a chair.

I am told to pour all three of them a drink and to wait in the corner for instructions. One of the men notices that I am still wet and tells me to get a towel and dry myself in front of them. I get a towel and start rubbing myself. I start at the top, drying my hair and neck. Moving down to my breasts and tummy. They tell me to massage my breasts and one of them walks up to me and takes the towel. He moves the towel down to my pussy and rubs it. I flinch and try to stand up straight. I am not allowed to look him at him, so I look at the floor. One time I look up and he slaps me in my face. He has big warm hands that touch me all over my body. Hurting me and caressing me at the same time. I am completely focused on his body. He pushes me down to my knees and starts to fuck me in my mouth hard. I can hardly breath. I focus on relaxing my body and try not to choke. Once he pauses the other man joins in. He takes out the butt plug and starts fucking me in my ass. After they are both satisfied, they throw me a blanket and tell me to go back to my cage again. I walk back to it. The woman takes my leash and tells me to lie down and masturbate. She watches while I rub my clit. She tells me to cum and I obey. She laughs and locks the cage. I am left shivering, on the floor. I take the blanket and fall asleep.

Thirty days of kink - day 5

Day 5. What was your first kinky sexual experience?

I honestly don't know... I do know that my first kinky sexual experience was with my boyfriend in college. We were in a very intense relationship for about two years. He was not my first boyfriend. But it was the first time I really liked sex. I couldn't get enough.

Biting, tying my wrists to the bed, hitting me with his belt, threatening to cut me with a knife (mindfuck?), telling me to bend over and fuck me. Opening his zipper and telling me to suck his cock. Taking me to a bar (in a short skirt) to hit on other men. Telling me to undress and wait in the bed on my back with my legs open wide until he would come in and fuck me, fully dressed himself. Fucking me with a candle. Not being allowed to touch him sexually, unless he told me so. Telling me to shave my pussy, to wear sexy cloths. Denying me sex. Fucking me three, four times a day whenever he felt like it.

The first experience with him was either the biting or the belt. When we met the first time both of us were drunk. In fact, we were drunk most of the time when we had kinky sex. It was definitely not safe what we were doing. He was unhappy and insecure, I was unhappy and insecure. We did like each other a lot. I had never felt so close to anybody. Because of the sex and the way he was using me. Because we both felt different from other people. Because we understood each other. At the same time our relationship was very unhealthy. It became more violent and destructive over time. He cheated on me, I cheated on him. And told him all about it. He hit me in a bar once and he almost got beaten by some bystanders who were very angry with him for hitting me. I humiliated myself by calling him when he was with another girl. Or I would look for him in bars and if I found him confront him. And then leave with somebody I did not know. Just to get back at him. I missed days at my job. Lost my purse being drunk. Lost my contact lenses in the beds of strangers. We acted out in public. We were out of control. He would leave and the moment I decided I had enough, he would be back. And I caved and we would continue where we left of.

After some time I found the strength to end it. Really end it. Thinking back is a bit difficult. A lot of what happened and that I am writing here I had put away forever. I forgot about it. The same with kinky sex. In my mind kinky sex was tied to a very unhealthy relationship. So when I ended the relationship with my boyfriend, I buried my kinky self with it. For over 12 years as I wrote in my first post. Five years ago I exhumed it. This time in a healthy relationship. Where I am safe both physically and psychologically. Where we communicate. Where there is no alcohol to escalate things. And the kinky sex is even better than the first time. Something I did not believe was possible exists after all: a safe and exciting kinky relationship. I hope he found the same. Because he will always be very special to me despite or maybe because of all the misery we went through.

Confused

In a previous post I wrote how me having sex with other people enriches my life and our relationship. Being at the other side of the equation, however, has proven quite difficult for me. I felt hurt, confused and very disappointed in myself.

Including other people

Until recently, including other people in our relationship meant that a man (or a woman) and Mr Reg would play or have sex with me. In some cases Mr Reg was present, in other cases I would be alone and share my experience with him afterwards.

 

Moving the scale

In looking for other people to play with, we met a couple online that was looking for other couples or a single female slave. One of the questions the Dominant asked me, was how I would feel if my Master would fuck his slave. I answered him that I had never experienced that but that the thought scared the hell out of me. We never made it past the emailing stage with this couple, but it got me thinking. A lot. A seed was planted. How would I feel if Mr Reg would fuck someone else? He lets me do that. He wants me to do that. He tells me to do that. Maybe I would like it as much as he likes watching me with somebody else? Why did it scare me? Was I afraid the other woman would be better than me? A nicer person? More beautiful? More skilled in bed? Easier to get along with? Younger than me? I am in a more vulnerable position than he is because of our power dynamic: Mr Reg can say at anytime that he wants me to stop doing something and I will. Whereas all I can do is tell him that it doesn't feel right and then I have to wait and see how he reacts to that. He has the power to ignore that. And I would accept that. Of course we talked a lot about this. And he isn't in the habit of ignoring my feelings at all. He takes my feelings very seriously. I told Mr Reg that apart from feeling scared or threatened I was also intrigued and curious.

 

Watching him play

After a while we met another couple. This time we did move matters further. When the four of us met for play, Mr Reg tied up both me and the other submissive and used his whip and other implements on her. He touched her sexually. I am not a sadist and do not enjoy to see or hear others in pain, but seeing pain being inflicted by Mr Reg is different. I really enjoyed watching him in action and liked talking with her afterwards about him and what he does and why. To see him through her eyes, see her admiration and notice the things I have gotten used to. And I love seeing the expression on my husbands face when he is enjoying himself. I was very proud to be his slave. 

 

Watching him come

The next time we met with them the nature of the play changed. Not only did Mr Reg make her come (and her Dom made me come), they both used her to come themselves. They fucked her together and made her suck their cock. They did not use me for that. I felt rejected. Not ignored, mind you. I had received plenty of attention during the evening. But I felt useless. I felt hurt. I felt like something was stolen from me. And I was really disappointed with myself. How could I feel like that after all the attention I had all the other times with other people? I felt selfish. They are very nice and they really wanted to experience something like this. I felt childish. Thinking about it made me feel insecure. I thought I was over all this. Why did all these feelings of insecurity come back, just because of a sexual act? Because of an evening that was really nice, an evening with a great couple that I really like? At the same time, I enjoyed the experience. Mr Reg enjoying another woman makes him very desirable to me. It made me want him very very badly. And being rejected puts me at my place. Which is something I really need. If I am not put at my place every once and a while, I become arrogant and complacent. Being rejected also makes me vulnerable and completely at his mercy.  Which is the best feeling in the world, strange as that may sound.

 

Something dawned on me

The weeks following our date I talked to several friends about this. Some reacted to my hurt part and were sympathetic and considerate. Others laughed at me for being selfish or childish. I think their reaction was a good reflection of my own feelings, but it did not really help me in understanding my overly strong reaction. And I am still not sure why I felt so hurt. Although over the last couple of days I have come to realize two things: I am really into pleasing people. Sexually pleasing controlling or dominant people. Being pleased myself usually comes second and mainly as something I like because the other person wants me to be pleased. Hence my strong reaction to them using only her, and not me. The other realization is much scarier, it scares me to death: Mr Reg could meet someone he likes better. Or he could grow tired of me. And then leave. Of course, this was always true. Regardless of what we did that evening. That is not the scary part. The scary part is that I got a tiny, little preview of how I would feel if that would ever happen. I would be devastated. And completely lost.

Next?

I don't know what happens next. I would like to explore these feelings further. I don't want us to stop playing with other couples. Besides, I want to do whatever Mr Reg wants to do. I don't want him to change his ways on my account. I want to grow and not be insecure. I want to be happy for him because he can have new experiences, just like he lets me have them. I want to know what he likes in others to learn more about him. But most of all I want to be with him for as long as I can. And enjoy each other and the world around us. Including other people. Both of us (...I think).

Thirty days of kink - day 4

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

This is a difficult question for me. Not because I don't have any early experiences that hint at my kinks. There are plenty. But because I am not sure what the point of sharing them is supposed to be. Which makes it difficult to pick any. Let me give it a try anyway.

 

 An early experience

There is one vivid memory that comes to mind when people ask me about this. I must have been around 8 or 9. We lived in an area with a lot of young families where the children played outside in the neighborhood all the time. The group we hung out with varied in age from 3-12 years. We played soccer, hide and seek, built stuff from wood and old bikes, created bows and arrows to play 'cowboys and Indians' etc. The older boys were usually 'in charge' and decided what we would do. That day we played a game where we made plastic tubes with paper arrows. The arrows could be shot at someone or something by blowing in the tube. We were split in two groups and the older boys had captured us. We were told to stand against the wall. They would shoot an arrow at one of us and that would set that person free. In hindsight this games sounds not that innocent and rather malicious. At the time we did not like it too much either. It was bordering on bullying obviously. But that's beside the point. What I remember is the excitement I felt. Not sexual excitement but the thrill of the uncertainty of what would happen, the power of the older boys, the situation. I felt vulnerable, subdued and excited at the same time. Of course nothing bad happened, they shot some paper arrows and let us go and everybody forgot about it. Except me... and maybe some of them?

 

Kinks

To me this memory hints at some of my current kinks: being controlled, pain and being restrained.  The relevance of this particular experience is small in my opinion. Except to illustrate the fact that it started early as part of me, not as a result of a trauma. My kinky side is a natural variation of main-stream sexuality and something that is engrained in my personality. Obviously other people do experience some type of trauma that causes them to develop kinks or other coping mechanisms. But honestly, I am not that interested in why somebody is kinky. I am interested in what way somebody experiences it and if and how people integrate it in their daily routine. But now this question is out of the way and I can move on to more relevant topics :)

Thirty days of kink - day 3

Day 3: how did you discover you were kinky?

Discovering my kinky self feels like a journey, like discovering a continent and exploring its beautiful and harsh parts over a period of decades. As I wrote in day 1, I am always in the process of defining my kinky self. So far it has been an interesting adventure.

I am different

When I was a about 10 or 11 years old I loved a science fiction book in which the aliens forced the humans to work for them and in which they would beat them with an implement that felt like a sharp whip if they did work hard enough. I loved movies in which people were punished physically and women were captured by fierce men. I did not try to label these feelings, but I never told anybody about my preferences either. Somehow I felt I was different.

Other people are different too

Once I hit puberty I started to read about SM, the common term in those days. It excited me and it made me realize that more people were like me. I remember one thing very clearly from those days: I was 13 and we were in a sexual education class in school. The girls and boys were separated and we discussed sexuality, homosexuality and other practices. Homosexuality was accepted by most of my peers. I stated that I expected SM to be viewed in the same way in a couple of decades (this was 30 years ago). They all looked at me in horror and disbelieve and vehemently disagreed with me. In hindsight, I guess they were right. But then again, maybe the success of Fifty shades of Grey is starting to prove otherwise ;) However, this was the time where I discovered that other people were different too, just like me...

It is part of me

I practiced BDSM with my boyfriend when I was in college. I never responded to any attempt from his side to talk about it, we just did it. I enjoyed it very much, but I was busier thinking about whether I was bisexual or not than interested in a label for my submissive side. He liked to use me and to do things I now label as 'sadistic' or 'dominant'. It felt very natural to me and it resulted in very hot sex. It was a part of me.
After we split up, I met Mr Reg. As I have said before, in the beginning of our marriage we were a vanilla couple without so much as a hint of kink. This changed five years ago. Mr Reg started it. Again I did not discuss it. It felt natural and I was very happy it was back in my life. It had become part of me again, and even part of us.

We are part of kink

Two and a half years ago Mr Reg took me to meet another dominant. It was a first of many things: subspace, being in a dungeon, being hit by another man in front of Mr Reg. After this experience we started to discuss our relationship and we started to meet like minded people. It was the first time I started talking about it, about my feelings, my fantasies, dream, fears, sex. I felt and still feel liberated. Like somebody finally opened the door and let me go outside in the sunlight. After being cooped inside for way too long. Starting in the garden, being overwhelmed. Moving outside, to the street and beyond. Now I am out and about in the world of kink, discovering both the people in it and myself at the same time. Feeling very much part of it.

Looking for something?

The other day a friend asked me how many people I've had sex with in my life. I could not reproduce the number off the top of my head and started to count. I told him that in the last five years I've had sex with 2 women and 10 men (5 in a gang bang) and in my entire life with 3 women and 20 men. I am not counting kissing or fumbling. We talked about how many women he has 'on his list' and discussed whether having a lot of experience is a good thing,  a source of frustration or depression, or a sign of insecurity. It was a brief conversation on whatsapp, but it got me thinking. I remembered two more men. I decided to make an actual list to make sure I can recall every single person I've had sex with. The official statistic right now: 26 men (5 of them in a gang bang) and 3 women. At a dinner conversation a couple of days later the list came up again. The girl confessed her list was much longer than mine but that she was now in a monogamous relationship with her Dom/lover. The conversation we had at that dinner about polyamory and open relationships inspired me to this blog post.

Being a slut

You might wonder why I made the distinction between my entire life and the past five years. The answer is simple: I slept with a lot of men (and a woman) before I was married, looking for something or someone. Feeling acknowledged and worth while if someone had sex with me. Trying to remedy insecurities about my looks, avoiding being alone, being angry with my boyfriend or just being plain drunk. Most of the sex was disappointing, not because of my partners but because of my own motives. Some stand out in a positive way, of course, but in general my sex life sucked because I did not like nor understand myself.

Being married

After Mr Reg and me got married we were monogamous for a long time (12 years) and we did not practice BDSM or any other kinks. We were the average couple. Five years ago this all changed. We moved from a vanilla relationship to a D/s and then, two years ago, to a M/s relationship.

Including other people

Mr Reg likes me to have sex with other men (and women). And I am supposed to enjoy it. At first I was apprehensive. It reminded me of the past and my previous self. And I was not looking for anything anymore. I am happy with our relationship, so why go through all the trouble.  I liked having sex with other people if he was there, but mainly because it was a form of pleasing him. After a while I started to allow myself to enjoy it, enjoy the newness, the feeling of different hands on my body. A different body to get close to, different reactions to my touch and things I say or do. Allowing myself to enjoy the physical experience and the excitement of a new person with a different view on life. Now I am at a stage where I relish meeting new people both because of their body and their personality. They enrich my life, spice it up and make me feel appreciated. But every encounter also makes me appreciate Mr Reg more. Both because he lets me have this rich life and because it makes me realize he is the person I want to be with and whom I love.

Label

Are we swingers? No not really. We look for more than just casual sex with random other couples. Polyamorous? I don't know, maybe. So far the friendships have not evolved to love. In an open relationship? No not really, I am owned. But then again I can look for my own friends or partners, as long as I run it by Mr Reg. So I don't know what our relationship should be called. I do know that I am no longer looking for something but I that I have found a lot. More than I could ever have imagined. And I like it. To put it mildly ;)