Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Thirty days of kink - day 3

Day 3: how did you discover you were kinky?

Discovering my kinky self feels like a journey, like discovering a continent and exploring its beautiful and harsh parts over a period of decades. As I wrote in day 1, I am always in the process of defining my kinky self. So far it has been an interesting adventure.

I am different

When I was a about 10 or 11 years old I loved a science fiction book in which the aliens forced the humans to work for them and in which they would beat them with an implement that felt like a sharp whip if they did work hard enough. I loved movies in which people were punished physically and women were captured by fierce men. I did not try to label these feelings, but I never told anybody about my preferences either. Somehow I felt I was different.

Other people are different too

Once I hit puberty I started to read about SM, the common term in those days. It excited me and it made me realize that more people were like me. I remember one thing very clearly from those days: I was 13 and we were in a sexual education class in school. The girls and boys were separated and we discussed sexuality, homosexuality and other practices. Homosexuality was accepted by most of my peers. I stated that I expected SM to be viewed in the same way in a couple of decades (this was 30 years ago). They all looked at me in horror and disbelieve and vehemently disagreed with me. In hindsight, I guess they were right. But then again, maybe the success of Fifty shades of Grey is starting to prove otherwise ;) However, this was the time where I discovered that other people were different too, just like me...

It is part of me

I practiced BDSM with my boyfriend when I was in college. I never responded to any attempt from his side to talk about it, we just did it. I enjoyed it very much, but I was busier thinking about whether I was bisexual or not than interested in a label for my submissive side. He liked to use me and to do things I now label as 'sadistic' or 'dominant'. It felt very natural to me and it resulted in very hot sex. It was a part of me.
After we split up, I met Mr Reg. As I have said before, in the beginning of our marriage we were a vanilla couple without so much as a hint of kink. This changed five years ago. Mr Reg started it. Again I did not discuss it. It felt natural and I was very happy it was back in my life. It had become part of me again, and even part of us.

We are part of kink

Two and a half years ago Mr Reg took me to meet another dominant. It was a first of many things: subspace, being in a dungeon, being hit by another man in front of Mr Reg. After this experience we started to discuss our relationship and we started to meet like minded people. It was the first time I started talking about it, about my feelings, my fantasies, dream, fears, sex. I felt and still feel liberated. Like somebody finally opened the door and let me go outside in the sunlight. After being cooped inside for way too long. Starting in the garden, being overwhelmed. Moving outside, to the street and beyond. Now I am out and about in the world of kink, discovering both the people in it and myself at the same time. Feeling very much part of it.


  1. Reading your blog brings back memories from my youth...I should speed up my own 30 days of kink!

    1. I hope you do, I am curious to hear your story :)

  2. I wish I had the guts at the age of 13 that you had! It's only about the last ten years that I have the guts to be who I almost always knew I was. I love reading these posts of you.

    Rebel xox