Hard limits - 30 days of kink

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Limits are a difficult topic for me. I have difficulty saying no. I have issues using my safe word. Being forced to do things, being used turns me on. Being forced to do things I don't want to do or don't like are a big part of the thrill of power exchange to me.

 

I have no limits

I identify as a slave (as opposed to a submissive) because I have given up the right to have hard limits with Mr Reg. That was relatively straightforward, as I described in day-1 of this series. Last summer, Mr Reg decided to share me with another master, DiceMan UK. This was very different from becoming Mr Reg's slave. Different because of the distance and the fact I was already owned. But also in terms of limits. When DiceMan first approached me, one of his first questions was about my limits. He asked me what other limits I had, besides the usual ones concerning children, illegal activities and scat. I answered that I did not really have any other limits, except that Mr Reg determines what I do and what I don't do. This lead to a number of increasingly different tasks and sessions. He pushed me further every time. He mocked me by asking me whether I wanted to flee to Mr Reg, to avoid having to do what he asked. I never did. I just obeyed. Even against my better judgement. After only a few weeks of online conversations on twitter, kik and Google, DiceMan asked me my real name. I replied I don't usually tell people my name because both my first name and my last name are relatively rare.  I was on my bike going to work. When I returned home that night, he messaged me again. Asking for my name. And I answered him. When I asked him politely for his name, he refused. I felt horny, confused, scared, intrigued and excited.

 

Or do I?

During all this, DiceMan asked me regurlarly about my limits. I had become more serious about answering his questions. I explained to him that I would never do anything that would harm Mr Reg, or my children. That it was important to me I did not bother other people (innocent bystanders) and that I needed to be able to do my job. We also discussed that it is difficult to talk about limits;  there are things I would never think of, but someone else could. And things that are off limits for me with one person can be totally OK with another person. 

We continued talking, and after a while the topic of my service came up. Mr Reg decided to share me with DiceMan. I would be both Mr Reg's and DiceMan's slave. DiceMan told me to write down how I would serve him and describe what my hard limits were. To me, being someones slave means I have to do what I am told.  If I don't like what I am supposed to do, or don't agree, I can obviously talk about it. But I can't say no anymore. The only option I have left is leave the relationship. So the limits were important. Especially since we did not have a long history together. I wrote an email, describing how I would serve him and within what limits. It did not include a lot of specific activities. It was about values. About not wanting to hurt other people. About the law and my family. And since DiceMan and me share a lot of the same values, they were a good fit with his limits.

 

Safety

This all happened last year. I serve both Mr Reg and Master D. ever since. To me it feels I have no hard limits, except the ones they set for me. Which is a relief. Limits are a difficult topic for me. I have difficulty saying no. I have issues using my safe word. Being forced to do things, being used turns me on. Being forced to do things I don't want to do or don't like are a big part of the thrill of power exchange to me. Being slave to Mr Reg and Master D keeps me safe. They challenge me, they use me and make me grow. They push me over my inhibitions and help me deal with my fears. And they make sure I say no to things in my life that are harmful. They keep me out of trouble. Because everyone should have hard limits. To protect themselves and others.

Kink related song - 30 days of kink

Day 9. Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

I enjoy different type of songs. Sometimes I hear something kinky in the lyrics. Sometimes the music brings me to a submissive place. Sometimes a voice can take me to a dark place. Sometimes the combination brings back memories. 

One day at bondage night, our host played a song for us by Rammstein. It is a German band. The lyrics are posted here, with their English translation. It really is the only kink related song that is perceived as such by everyone.



What I like about this song is its directness and the rawness. I like lots of different types of music, from David Bowie to Eminem. From Roxy Music to Korn.  What I like depends on my mood, the venue, the company I am in, the occasion. Most songs I associate with kink because I heard it at a play party. Or because I am kinky and I interpret the text that way. With the exception of this song. Sometimes I enjoy it. Sometimes it annoys me. Sometimes I laugh at it. But it is always a kink related song, no matter how I look at it or how I feel. And other people think so too, as the text on youtube states:

" Ich tu dir Weh" (I hurt you) is the second single from the 2009 album Liebe ist für alle da by the German band Rammstein. Mainly because of the sado-masochistic content of this song, the album was placed on the "index" maintained by the German Bundesprüfstelle für jugendgefährdende Medien. In May 2010, the original uncensored album and the single were unindexed and consequently released in Germany."

I am happy I got this day out of the way and can return to more interesting parts of the series....

 

Kinky image - 30 days of kink

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My favorite toy - 30 days of kink

Day 7. What's your favorite toy?

There are a lot of great toys.  Mr Reg bought most of them for different purposes: to cause pain, sexual pleasure or to restrain me. Some toys I take with me when I go on a date, others are only used by Mr Reg. I am going to cheat today and describe two favorite toys: the dildo for sexual pleasure and the pin wheel for pain and arousal.

Dildo

Mr Reg told me to buy a dildo when I was on a business trip to the US. The assignment was to get the largest one they had in the shop.  During that trip, he made me use it a couple of times while we were chatting.  It is a great feeling and one of the few toys that can actually make me come. It is easy too: no batteries needed and it makes no noise (except my moaning). It does have some downsides however:

• It is rather big. If I want or have to take it somewhere, it takes up a lot of space. 
• It is made of material that gets stained easily. I am not very good at keeping stuff neat. My laptop, ebook and all other things have sleeves, because I ruin them. The dildo has an ugly stain, probably from touching another toy that was kept in the same box.
• It looks ridiculous. I can't help it. I love cocks. But dildos look ridiculous and unsexy in my opinion. There is supposed to be a man attached to a cock. It looks silly when it 'just ends'.  Paradoxically, using it while somebody is watching is embarrassing and exciting at the same time because of the way it looks.

Pin wheel

The pin wheel is an example of a toy that I like because it makes me feel very close and connected to Mr Reg. It is not a sexual toy in that it makes me climax. It is not something I use on myself either. It is hot because Mr Reg uses it on me. He can use it in very different ways, to caress or to hurt me. To scare me or to calm me. He can apply pressure and make it hurt, or track it over my body softly, making me feel calm and relaxed. My favorite treatment: he traces my body with it, drawing closer and closer to my pussy,  where it really hurts. It scares the hell out of me, and at the same time I love the stinging feeling of the pins on my skins. Leaving a glow long after the pin wheel has touched it. Moving closer and closer to very sensitive skin. Applying pressure and releasing it again. Caressing me with his hand and then using the pin wheel again. Like the dildo, the pin wheel is very practical: it is silent, it does not need batteries and last but not least it is so small I can be taken in a purse or (very) small bag.

I guess I am a low tech girl when it comes to toys ;)

Sexual fantasy - 30 days of kink

Day 6. Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy

I am not going to share any fantasy that is weird, obviously. I don't want anybody to think I am weird ;) On a more serious note, weird or interesting is in the eye of the beholder. You can decide whether it is weird or interesting. Or boring. Or cliche.

To me it is hot.

Enslaved

I am locked in a cage. The cage is in the corner of the room. I am naked and chained by my neck. In the room are three people, two men and a woman. They ignore me. If I make too much noise or annoy them in any other way they pull at the chain or hit against the cage. I have no idea how long I have been inside the cage. I can stand up and sit or lie down in it. The temperature is nice, I am comfortable being naked.

After some time, the woman walks up to the cage and orders me to stand up. I comply as quickly as I can because I know she has little patience. I am afraid of her, she likes to hurt me whenever I give her a reason. Or without any provocation from my side. She opens the cage and takes me to the shower. She turns on the tap and orders me to clean myself. The water is rather cold and I start washing. She watches me while I shave and wash my body head to toe. She tells me to caress my breasts, while looking her in the eyes. To touch my clit. It is very difficult to hold her gaze. I look away and she turns of the shower immediately and grabs me by my hair. Mocking me for not being able to hold her gaze. She takes me to a room with a bed and tells me to lie on my back with my legs open wide. I am shivering uncontrollably and ask her permission to dry myself. It is denied. She inspects my pussy to see if I have shaved properly. She finds some hairs and gets a razor. She shaves the hairs, threatening to hurt me with it if I don't start paying attention when I shave. The razor gets really close to my clit, I feel her hands and the cold touch of the razor on my mound. She puts away the razor and pushes three fingers in my pussy. Hard and deep. I moan. She tells me not to make a sound and gets a little whip. Made from rubber strings. She starts hitting me with it on my pussy. I struggle to keep quiet and not to move. The pain is too much and I try to avoid the whip. "Every time you move you get one more", she tells me calmly. "Start counting". Every time I say a number, she hits me hard on my pussy with the rubber. I am crying, trying to focus on the counting. Not moving an inch. When I reach 9 she tells me "one more" and lashes out. She tells me to turn around and she puts a butt plug in my ass. I am told to get up and she takes me to the other room where the two men are sitting in a chair.

I am told to pour all three of them a drink and to wait in the corner for instructions. One of the men notices that I am still wet and tells me to get a towel and dry myself in front of them. I get a towel and start rubbing myself. I start at the top, drying my hair and neck. Moving down to my breasts and tummy. They tell me to massage my breasts and one of them walks up to me and takes the towel. He moves the towel down to my pussy and rubs it. I flinch and try to stand up straight. I am not allowed to look him at him, so I look at the floor. One time I look up and he slaps me in my face. He has big warm hands that touch me all over my body. Hurting me and caressing me at the same time. I am completely focused on his body. He pushes me down to my knees and starts to fuck me in my mouth hard. I can hardly breath. I focus on relaxing my body and try not to choke. Once he pauses the other man joins in. He takes out the butt plug and starts fucking me in my ass. After they are both satisfied, they throw me a blanket and tell me to go back to my cage again. I walk back to it. The woman takes my leash and tells me to lie down and masturbate. She watches while I rub my clit. She tells me to cum and I obey. She laughs and locks the cage. I am left shivering, on the floor. I take the blanket and fall asleep.

Thirty days of kink - day 5

Day 5. What was your first kinky sexual experience?

I honestly don't know... I do know that my first kinky sexual experience was with my boyfriend in college. We were in a very intense relationship for about two years. He was not my first boyfriend. But it was the first time I really liked sex. I couldn't get enough.

Biting, tying my wrists to the bed, hitting me with his belt, threatening to cut me with a knife (mindfuck?), telling me to bend over and fuck me. Opening his zipper and telling me to suck his cock. Taking me to a bar (in a short skirt) to hit on other men. Telling me to undress and wait in the bed on my back with my legs open wide until he would come in and fuck me, fully dressed himself. Fucking me with a candle. Not being allowed to touch him sexually, unless he told me so. Telling me to shave my pussy, to wear sexy cloths. Denying me sex. Fucking me three, four times a day whenever he felt like it.

The first experience with him was either the biting or the belt. When we met the first time both of us were drunk. In fact, we were drunk most of the time when we had kinky sex. It was definitely not safe what we were doing. He was unhappy and insecure, I was unhappy and insecure. We did like each other a lot. I had never felt so close to anybody. Because of the sex and the way he was using me. Because we both felt different from other people. Because we understood each other. At the same time our relationship was very unhealthy. It became more violent and destructive over time. He cheated on me, I cheated on him. And told him all about it. He hit me in a bar once and he almost got beaten by some bystanders who were very angry with him for hitting me. I humiliated myself by calling him when he was with another girl. Or I would look for him in bars and if I found him confront him. And then leave with somebody I did not know. Just to get back at him. I missed days at my job. Lost my purse being drunk. Lost my contact lenses in the beds of strangers. We acted out in public. We were out of control. He would leave and the moment I decided I had enough, he would be back. And I caved and we would continue where we left of.

After some time I found the strength to end it. Really end it. Thinking back is a bit difficult. A lot of what happened and that I am writing here I had put away forever. I forgot about it. The same with kinky sex. In my mind kinky sex was tied to a very unhealthy relationship. So when I ended the relationship with my boyfriend, I buried my kinky self with it. For over 12 years as I wrote in my first post. Five years ago I exhumed it. This time in a healthy relationship. Where I am safe both physically and psychologically. Where we communicate. Where there is no alcohol to escalate things. And the kinky sex is even better than the first time. Something I did not believe was possible exists after all: a safe and exciting kinky relationship. I hope he found the same. Because he will always be very special to me despite or maybe because of all the misery we went through.

Thirty days of kink - day 4

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

This is a difficult question for me. Not because I don't have any early experiences that hint at my kinks. There are plenty. But because I am not sure what the point of sharing them is supposed to be. Which makes it difficult to pick any. Let me give it a try anyway.

 

 An early experience

There is one vivid memory that comes to mind when people ask me about this. I must have been around 8 or 9. We lived in an area with a lot of young families where the children played outside in the neighborhood all the time. The group we hung out with varied in age from 3-12 years. We played soccer, hide and seek, built stuff from wood and old bikes, created bows and arrows to play 'cowboys and Indians' etc. The older boys were usually 'in charge' and decided what we would do. That day we played a game where we made plastic tubes with paper arrows. The arrows could be shot at someone or something by blowing in the tube. We were split in two groups and the older boys had captured us. We were told to stand against the wall. They would shoot an arrow at one of us and that would set that person free. In hindsight this games sounds not that innocent and rather malicious. At the time we did not like it too much either. It was bordering on bullying obviously. But that's beside the point. What I remember is the excitement I felt. Not sexual excitement but the thrill of the uncertainty of what would happen, the power of the older boys, the situation. I felt vulnerable, subdued and excited at the same time. Of course nothing bad happened, they shot some paper arrows and let us go and everybody forgot about it. Except me... and maybe some of them?

 

Kinks

To me this memory hints at some of my current kinks: being controlled, pain and being restrained.  The relevance of this particular experience is small in my opinion. Except to illustrate the fact that it started early as part of me, not as a result of a trauma. My kinky side is a natural variation of main-stream sexuality and something that is engrained in my personality. Obviously other people do experience some type of trauma that causes them to develop kinks or other coping mechanisms. But honestly, I am not that interested in why somebody is kinky. I am interested in what way somebody experiences it and if and how people integrate it in their daily routine. But now this question is out of the way and I can move on to more relevant topics :)

Thirty days of kink - day 3

Day 3: how did you discover you were kinky?

Discovering my kinky self feels like a journey, like discovering a continent and exploring its beautiful and harsh parts over a period of decades. As I wrote in day 1, I am always in the process of defining my kinky self. So far it has been an interesting adventure.

I am different

When I was a about 10 or 11 years old I loved a science fiction book in which the aliens forced the humans to work for them and in which they would beat them with an implement that felt like a sharp whip if they did work hard enough. I loved movies in which people were punished physically and women were captured by fierce men. I did not try to label these feelings, but I never told anybody about my preferences either. Somehow I felt I was different.

Other people are different too

Once I hit puberty I started to read about SM, the common term in those days. It excited me and it made me realize that more people were like me. I remember one thing very clearly from those days: I was 13 and we were in a sexual education class in school. The girls and boys were separated and we discussed sexuality, homosexuality and other practices. Homosexuality was accepted by most of my peers. I stated that I expected SM to be viewed in the same way in a couple of decades (this was 30 years ago). They all looked at me in horror and disbelieve and vehemently disagreed with me. In hindsight, I guess they were right. But then again, maybe the success of Fifty shades of Grey is starting to prove otherwise ;) However, this was the time where I discovered that other people were different too, just like me...

It is part of me

I practiced BDSM with my boyfriend when I was in college. I never responded to any attempt from his side to talk about it, we just did it. I enjoyed it very much, but I was busier thinking about whether I was bisexual or not than interested in a label for my submissive side. He liked to use me and to do things I now label as 'sadistic' or 'dominant'. It felt very natural to me and it resulted in very hot sex. It was a part of me.
After we split up, I met Mr Reg. As I have said before, in the beginning of our marriage we were a vanilla couple without so much as a hint of kink. This changed five years ago. Mr Reg started it. Again I did not discuss it. It felt natural and I was very happy it was back in my life. It had become part of me again, and even part of us.

We are part of kink

Two and a half years ago Mr Reg took me to meet another dominant. It was a first of many things: subspace, being in a dungeon, being hit by another man in front of Mr Reg. After this experience we started to discuss our relationship and we started to meet like minded people. It was the first time I started talking about it, about my feelings, my fantasies, dream, fears, sex. I felt and still feel liberated. Like somebody finally opened the door and let me go outside in the sunlight. After being cooped inside for way too long. Starting in the garden, being overwhelmed. Moving outside, to the street and beyond. Now I am out and about in the world of kink, discovering both the people in it and myself at the same time. Feeling very much part of it.

Thirty days of kink - day 2

Day 2: List your kinks

This made me think. What is a kink? I am writing about 30 days of kink to get my blog started. The other day, I defined my kinky self. That is not hard, the definition is up to me. But listing my kinks is different. Is a kink the same as a fetish? Or a hobby? Or something I like that 'society' or vanilla people think is weird?

What is kink

I don't like reinventing the wheel, so let's see what  Wikipedia has to say: In human sexuality, kink describes a range of practices: spanking, tickling, bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, cuckoldry and sexual fetishism. Kinky practices go beyond what are considered conventional sexual practices as a means of heightening the intimacy between sexual partners. Some draw a distinction between kink and fetishism, defining the former as enhancing partner intimacy, and the latter as replacing it.While others define "kink" as lesser (possibly socially acceptable) form of fetishism. Because of its relation to "normal" sexual boundaries, which themselves vary by time and place, the definition of what is and is not kink varies widely as well. Practitioners are sometimes considered to be perverts by "outsiders".

So according to that it is a practice, something that you do. And it is sexual. To me, it is broader, I have included watching or listening to things that make me feel excited or happy or content that are considered out of the ordinary by most people. So going to the sauna or having sex with women is out (mainstream and accepted here), being in a vacuum bed or watching somebody in a full body latex suit is in. To me, sex is part of the kink, not the other way around. I have not listed things I would like to try, just things I have experienced.

My list

1. Being controlled. Not having to think. Listening closely to the instruction and following it to the letter. Suffering consequences for doing it wrong. Being in the moment, nothing else. Forgetting myself.
2. Being dominated. It is similar to being controlled, but has a very different effect on me. I like people that are self assured, confident and convinced they know how something is supposed to work. Being dominated makes me think about the dominant and myself. It makes me want to do something the 'correct' way. I like to please and to do things I don't want or like to do myself, just for him or her, things that throw me off balance, feeling forced to do or say something. Being pushed beyond my boundaries. I am not forgetting myself, but I am painfully aware of myself, and focused on the other person. 
3. Being used sexually by more than one man. A gang-bang, or a threesome makes me feel completely satisfied. Whether I cum or not. It makes me forget myself.
4. Pain. I love receiving pain, especially stinging pain from canes, whips, dragon tails, spanking, etc. Both as a reward and as punishment. Like dominance, it makes me acutely aware of the person inflicting it on me and of myself. The interaction can be very intimate.
5. Orgasm control. Having to ask for an orgasm. Being forbidden to cum during sex. Anything to do with it. Mr Reg took a away the rule for a month, making it OK for me to orgasm whenever I wanted. It was a horrible month, orgasm-wise. Having the rule excites me, it makes me aware of myself and focused on the person who is controlling my orgasm.
6. Being constrained by rope, locked up in a cage or being told to stay in a certain position. Being ignored. Again it makes me forget myself, I just am, living in the moment.
7. Latex suits, vacuum beds, and other implements that show a human form, without any of the details. I have been in a vacuum bed twice, and really liked the combination of the fabric (latex) and being constrained. I am not so much into wearing latex, but I love looking at it, and touching people that wear it. See for example the site of eurocats suits, and this you tube movie.
8. Hoods and masks. Maybe for the same reason as latex suits and vacuum beds. I love both wearing them and watching other people wear them. I love the smell and the feel.
9. Watch Mr Reg please or hurt somebody else. I love the way the subject of his attention looks at him in admiration, mixed with fear and trust. This is a recent addition, we haven't practiced it a lot (yet). It makes him wildly attractive to me.

That concludes day 2, list your kinks, somewhat in order of importance. It would be interesting to see what the list looks like in one or two years. I don't think my personality or my inclinations will change very much. But specific kinks might wear off, and new ones might emerge. I will revisit the list next year, to see what has changed :)

Thirty days of kink - day 1

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

The first part of this question is really easy for me: I am submissive. I have had these feelings for as long as I can remember, even as a child. They have only become stronger over the years. However, it took me a long time to acknowledge and accept them.

My kinky self

Answering the second part, the meaning of BDSM and kink is more complicated. I am always in the process of defining my kinky self. Evolving, growing, tumbling down, and getting back up again. A big part of it is submitting to someone who can control me.  It has always been a thrill, and still is,  to meet dominant people. I very much enjoy different styles of dominance: sexual or non-sexual, control by commanding or control by manipulation, verbal or non-verbal. My kinky/submissive part is as much part of me as any other part. I can't switch it off and on at will. I just am who I am, body and mind.

Another part of my kinky self is my masochistic side. I love being spanked, whipped, caned, or slapped. I like to be helpless and bound, not knowing what the other person is going to do next. The pleasure of pain in combination with submission is pure bliss. I also crave pain as a punishment or a means to calm me down. I have a tendency to lose focus and paradoxically to obsess about things people say or do and have a somewhat addictive personality (both biological and psychological). Pain and submission calm me down and put me in a state of acceptance and relaxation.

Our kinky relationship

MrReg and me have been married for 17 years. The first 12 years we had a monogamous vanilla relationship. This changed five years ago and BDSM became part of it, mainly in the bed room. About two years ago, we changed our dynamic from a D/s to a M/s relationship. It doesn't mean I am a service slave. To us it means that MrReg controls me completely, without limits. I have been with MrReg for such a long time, that I trust his judgement completely.  Which doesn't mean I always agree with him. It just means it doesn't matter if I agree with him and that I am comfortable with that. It also doesn't mean he doesn't value my opinion. It just means he determines how important my opinion is and I am happy with that too. Apart from changing the 'rules' of the power exchange, the rules of our sexual relationship have been changed too, we are no longer monogamous. I am owned, but I am allowed, or better yet, supposed to have sex with other people. Both with MrReg and by myself. It enriches our lives. It complicates our lives. It makes life fun and makes me realize over and over again how much I am in love with and dedicated to MrReg. Hence the title of this blog.

Apart from being a fun-loving, proud slave and a masochist, I am independent, headstrong, smart and impatient. Combining these two sides has been and continues to be a challenge for me. I like my fun-loving submissive side better, and I hope one day I will find the perfect balance............ A girl can dream right ;)