Why I hate the word slut

I have been away for a while. Some changes in my personal situation and work situation put a halt to a large part of our kinky life and hence this blog. But life goes on and all sorts of kinky things are happening again so I figured it is time to return to this blog as well. The Wicked Wednesday prompt for this week (monogamy) is perfect for that since I have been struggling with something related.

The other day, MrReg told me again to behave like a slut and have sex with other people (men) both online and in real life. Whenever MrReg tells me that, I feel anxious, frustrated, obstinate, sad and angry. Which is strange because I do like to have sex with other people, as I described in a previous post.

So after venting some of my frustration on twitter, I thought about why it bothers me so much during one of my runs. These were some of the things I came up with:

• I am a pleaser. Even though some people call themselves 'slut' proudly, in general it is a curse word that shows a great deal of disapproval. I feel hurt when people call me names, except sometimes in play.
• I need my friends approval. MrReg is quiet on the topic, he usually does not tell our friends that he wants me to fuck around. Good friends, some of whom I see every other week, don't understand why I need more people in my life, since I already have a master. I can feel their disapproval when I tell them I am going away for the weekend to play or have sex with someone else without MrReg.
• I am in love. I am very focused on MrReg. Having sex with other people distracts me and especially in times when our relationship is less close. Of course, this is a catch 22; MrReg's interest in me spikes when I have sex with other people and becomes less when I don't.
• I am submissive. I like being used. The word sluts implies the need to seek out men or women to have sex with because of the sex. Whereas my kink is to have sex with dominant men or women that want to use me. I need there be some type of control/dominance associated with it. It does not mean I always need pain or bondage as part of the equation, but it needs to be more or something else than just sex.
• I am careful. I don't like the risks associated with having multiple partners, especially online. There are two types of risks here: physical, because having multiple partners puts me at risk for STDs and psychological because playing online puts me at risk of being exposed.  
• I am afraid to be rejected. I feel insecure about my body, my age and my face and feel like I make a fool of myself when I try to find partners. Again a catch 22: if I don't engage with other people I run the risk of being rejected by MrReg, if I do I run the risk of being rejected by them.
• I am proud. I like to feel special and I don't want to engage in sex with just any man 'out there'. Being told to be a slut demotes me to the lowest rank, anybody is good enough to touch me.

I am a sexual and physical person. When I like someone, I enjoy having sex with that person. Or to cuddle. In general, I like sex in a BDSM setting or with very good friends. In the last couple of years I have done both. It is fun, I love those friends dearly and it has improved our sex life. It made me less self conscious and I learned a lot about different types of sex (with women, threesomes with 2 men, threesome with 2 women, men that are circumsized, etc etc). In fact, this month alone I have had one date, agreed to have another one next week and made plans for two more for the end of the year.

However, all this does not make me a slut. I will never claim to be monogamous. I like to have sex with different people. People that I like, admire and that somehow appeal to me. But I am not a slut. Even though I am supposed to be one.

The play area of the cabin was located where the dining area used to be. It was small, but very well equipped: a sling, a spanking bench and plenty of hooks to tie me up. After exploring the cabin, I was told to undress. A couple of hours later, our friend arrived.

They threw me over the spanking bench. My hands were tied to the legs of the bench, then my feet got the same treatment. I could not move and my ass was exposed to them. They took turns beating me. Sometimes with their bare hands, sometimes with a whip or cane. It was hard to submit to it, because the two men used different rhythms and force. I tried to relax my muscles and concentrated on their voices. They were talking to each other sometimes and to me at other times; after a particularly harsh blow or something that startled me. Sometimes they would caress me, instead of beating me. The feeling of their big hands on my hot buttocks felt great. They checked every now and again to see how aroused I was by sliding a finger in my pussy. It was hard to tell whose finger it was, only if they commented I knew who was touching me.

They put me in the sling and blindfolded me. Taking the beating on my breasts and pussy proved to be very difficult. I tried to avoid the blows and became very restless. Being exposed like this made me feel extremely vulnerable. They told me to lie still and stop moaning. I tried but failed. They untied me and Mr Reg went looking for some needles. He handed them over to our friend. The thought of the needles sent a surge of panic through my body. I was standing close to him and whimpered "No, please, No". I stepped away, with my blindfold still on. He answered threateningly "What are you saying? Are you saying no to me?!?" I immediately stepped back into his reach "No Sir I am sorry". He grabbed my hair and told me to hold still while he stuck the needle in my breast. I submitted, I was no longer fighting it. I was completely relaxed and floated away.

It turns me on. Whenever I think about his reaction to my plea. Immediately, like a button being pushed. Writing about it, has the same effect ...

click on the link below to see who else is participating in Wicked Wednesday this week!

My favorite toy - 30 days of kink

Day 7. What's your favorite toy?

There are a lot of great toys.  Mr Reg bought most of them for different purposes: to cause pain, sexual pleasure or to restrain me. Some toys I take with me when I go on a date, others are only used by Mr Reg. I am going to cheat today and describe two favorite toys: the dildo for sexual pleasure and the pin wheel for pain and arousal.

Dildo

Mr Reg told me to buy a dildo when I was on a business trip to the US. The assignment was to get the largest one they had in the shop.  During that trip, he made me use it a couple of times while we were chatting.  It is a great feeling and one of the few toys that can actually make me come. It is easy too: no batteries needed and it makes no noise (except my moaning). It does have some downsides however:

• It is rather big. If I want or have to take it somewhere, it takes up a lot of space. 
• It is made of material that gets stained easily. I am not very good at keeping stuff neat. My laptop, ebook and all other things have sleeves, because I ruin them. The dildo has an ugly stain, probably from touching another toy that was kept in the same box.
• It looks ridiculous. I can't help it. I love cocks. But dildos look ridiculous and unsexy in my opinion. There is supposed to be a man attached to a cock. It looks silly when it 'just ends'.  Paradoxically, using it while somebody is watching is embarrassing and exciting at the same time because of the way it looks.

Pin wheel

The pin wheel is an example of a toy that I like because it makes me feel very close and connected to Mr Reg. It is not a sexual toy in that it makes me climax. It is not something I use on myself either. It is hot because Mr Reg uses it on me. He can use it in very different ways, to caress or to hurt me. To scare me or to calm me. He can apply pressure and make it hurt, or track it over my body softly, making me feel calm and relaxed. My favorite treatment: he traces my body with it, drawing closer and closer to my pussy,  where it really hurts. It scares the hell out of me, and at the same time I love the stinging feeling of the pins on my skins. Leaving a glow long after the pin wheel has touched it. Moving closer and closer to very sensitive skin. Applying pressure and releasing it again. Caressing me with his hand and then using the pin wheel again. Like the dildo, the pin wheel is very practical: it is silent, it does not need batteries and last but not least it is so small I can be taken in a purse or (very) small bag.

I guess I am a low tech girl when it comes to toys ;)

Sexual fantasy - 30 days of kink

Day 6. Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy

I am not going to share any fantasy that is weird, obviously. I don't want anybody to think I am weird ;) On a more serious note, weird or interesting is in the eye of the beholder. You can decide whether it is weird or interesting. Or boring. Or cliche.

To me it is hot.

Enslaved

I am locked in a cage. The cage is in the corner of the room. I am naked and chained by my neck. In the room are three people, two men and a woman. They ignore me. If I make too much noise or annoy them in any other way they pull at the chain or hit against the cage. I have no idea how long I have been inside the cage. I can stand up and sit or lie down in it. The temperature is nice, I am comfortable being naked.

After some time, the woman walks up to the cage and orders me to stand up. I comply as quickly as I can because I know she has little patience. I am afraid of her, she likes to hurt me whenever I give her a reason. Or without any provocation from my side. She opens the cage and takes me to the shower. She turns on the tap and orders me to clean myself. The water is rather cold and I start washing. She watches me while I shave and wash my body head to toe. She tells me to caress my breasts, while looking her in the eyes. To touch my clit. It is very difficult to hold her gaze. I look away and she turns of the shower immediately and grabs me by my hair. Mocking me for not being able to hold her gaze. She takes me to a room with a bed and tells me to lie on my back with my legs open wide. I am shivering uncontrollably and ask her permission to dry myself. It is denied. She inspects my pussy to see if I have shaved properly. She finds some hairs and gets a razor. She shaves the hairs, threatening to hurt me with it if I don't start paying attention when I shave. The razor gets really close to my clit, I feel her hands and the cold touch of the razor on my mound. She puts away the razor and pushes three fingers in my pussy. Hard and deep. I moan. She tells me not to make a sound and gets a little whip. Made from rubber strings. She starts hitting me with it on my pussy. I struggle to keep quiet and not to move. The pain is too much and I try to avoid the whip. "Every time you move you get one more", she tells me calmly. "Start counting". Every time I say a number, she hits me hard on my pussy with the rubber. I am crying, trying to focus on the counting. Not moving an inch. When I reach 9 she tells me "one more" and lashes out. She tells me to turn around and she puts a butt plug in my ass. I am told to get up and she takes me to the other room where the two men are sitting in a chair.

I am told to pour all three of them a drink and to wait in the corner for instructions. One of the men notices that I am still wet and tells me to get a towel and dry myself in front of them. I get a towel and start rubbing myself. I start at the top, drying my hair and neck. Moving down to my breasts and tummy. They tell me to massage my breasts and one of them walks up to me and takes the towel. He moves the towel down to my pussy and rubs it. I flinch and try to stand up straight. I am not allowed to look him at him, so I look at the floor. One time I look up and he slaps me in my face. He has big warm hands that touch me all over my body. Hurting me and caressing me at the same time. I am completely focused on his body. He pushes me down to my knees and starts to fuck me in my mouth hard. I can hardly breath. I focus on relaxing my body and try not to choke. Once he pauses the other man joins in. He takes out the butt plug and starts fucking me in my ass. After they are both satisfied, they throw me a blanket and tell me to go back to my cage again. I walk back to it. The woman takes my leash and tells me to lie down and masturbate. She watches while I rub my clit. She tells me to cum and I obey. She laughs and locks the cage. I am left shivering, on the floor. I take the blanket and fall asleep.

Confused

In a previous post I wrote how me having sex with other people enriches my life and our relationship. Being at the other side of the equation, however, has proven quite difficult for me. I felt hurt, confused and very disappointed in myself.

Including other people

Until recently, including other people in our relationship meant that a man (or a woman) and Mr Reg would play or have sex with me. In some cases Mr Reg was present, in other cases I would be alone and share my experience with him afterwards.

 

Moving the scale

In looking for other people to play with, we met a couple online that was looking for other couples or a single female slave. One of the questions the Dominant asked me, was how I would feel if my Master would fuck his slave. I answered him that I had never experienced that but that the thought scared the hell out of me. We never made it past the emailing stage with this couple, but it got me thinking. A lot. A seed was planted. How would I feel if Mr Reg would fuck someone else? He lets me do that. He wants me to do that. He tells me to do that. Maybe I would like it as much as he likes watching me with somebody else? Why did it scare me? Was I afraid the other woman would be better than me? A nicer person? More beautiful? More skilled in bed? Easier to get along with? Younger than me? I am in a more vulnerable position than he is because of our power dynamic: Mr Reg can say at anytime that he wants me to stop doing something and I will. Whereas all I can do is tell him that it doesn't feel right and then I have to wait and see how he reacts to that. He has the power to ignore that. And I would accept that. Of course we talked a lot about this. And he isn't in the habit of ignoring my feelings at all. He takes my feelings very seriously. I told Mr Reg that apart from feeling scared or threatened I was also intrigued and curious.

 

Watching him play

After a while we met another couple. This time we did move matters further. When the four of us met for play, Mr Reg tied up both me and the other submissive and used his whip and other implements on her. He touched her sexually. I am not a sadist and do not enjoy to see or hear others in pain, but seeing pain being inflicted by Mr Reg is different. I really enjoyed watching him in action and liked talking with her afterwards about him and what he does and why. To see him through her eyes, see her admiration and notice the things I have gotten used to. And I love seeing the expression on my husbands face when he is enjoying himself. I was very proud to be his slave. 

 

Watching him come

The next time we met with them the nature of the play changed. Not only did Mr Reg make her come (and her Dom made me come), they both used her to come themselves. They fucked her together and made her suck their cock. They did not use me for that. I felt rejected. Not ignored, mind you. I had received plenty of attention during the evening. But I felt useless. I felt hurt. I felt like something was stolen from me. And I was really disappointed with myself. How could I feel like that after all the attention I had all the other times with other people? I felt selfish. They are very nice and they really wanted to experience something like this. I felt childish. Thinking about it made me feel insecure. I thought I was over all this. Why did all these feelings of insecurity come back, just because of a sexual act? Because of an evening that was really nice, an evening with a great couple that I really like? At the same time, I enjoyed the experience. Mr Reg enjoying another woman makes him very desirable to me. It made me want him very very badly. And being rejected puts me at my place. Which is something I really need. If I am not put at my place every once and a while, I become arrogant and complacent. Being rejected also makes me vulnerable and completely at his mercy.  Which is the best feeling in the world, strange as that may sound.

 

Something dawned on me

The weeks following our date I talked to several friends about this. Some reacted to my hurt part and were sympathetic and considerate. Others laughed at me for being selfish or childish. I think their reaction was a good reflection of my own feelings, but it did not really help me in understanding my overly strong reaction. And I am still not sure why I felt so hurt. Although over the last couple of days I have come to realize two things: I am really into pleasing people. Sexually pleasing controlling or dominant people. Being pleased myself usually comes second and mainly as something I like because the other person wants me to be pleased. Hence my strong reaction to them using only her, and not me. The other realization is much scarier, it scares me to death: Mr Reg could meet someone he likes better. Or he could grow tired of me. And then leave. Of course, this was always true. Regardless of what we did that evening. That is not the scary part. The scary part is that I got a tiny, little preview of how I would feel if that would ever happen. I would be devastated. And completely lost.

Next?

I don't know what happens next. I would like to explore these feelings further. I don't want us to stop playing with other couples. Besides, I want to do whatever Mr Reg wants to do. I don't want him to change his ways on my account. I want to grow and not be insecure. I want to be happy for him because he can have new experiences, just like he lets me have them. I want to know what he likes in others to learn more about him. But most of all I want to be with him for as long as I can. And enjoy each other and the world around us. Including other people. Both of us (...I think).

Looking for something?

The other day a friend asked me how many people I've had sex with in my life. I could not reproduce the number off the top of my head and started to count. I told him that in the last five years I've had sex with 2 women and 10 men (5 in a gang bang) and in my entire life with 3 women and 20 men. I am not counting kissing or fumbling. We talked about how many women he has 'on his list' and discussed whether having a lot of experience is a good thing,  a source of frustration or depression, or a sign of insecurity. It was a brief conversation on whatsapp, but it got me thinking. I remembered two more men. I decided to make an actual list to make sure I can recall every single person I've had sex with. The official statistic right now: 26 men (5 of them in a gang bang) and 3 women. At a dinner conversation a couple of days later the list came up again. The girl confessed her list was much longer than mine but that she was now in a monogamous relationship with her Dom/lover. The conversation we had at that dinner about polyamory and open relationships inspired me to this blog post.

Being a slut

You might wonder why I made the distinction between my entire life and the past five years. The answer is simple: I slept with a lot of men (and a woman) before I was married, looking for something or someone. Feeling acknowledged and worth while if someone had sex with me. Trying to remedy insecurities about my looks, avoiding being alone, being angry with my boyfriend or just being plain drunk. Most of the sex was disappointing, not because of my partners but because of my own motives. Some stand out in a positive way, of course, but in general my sex life sucked because I did not like nor understand myself.

Being married

After Mr Reg and me got married we were monogamous for a long time (12 years) and we did not practice BDSM or any other kinks. We were the average couple. Five years ago this all changed. We moved from a vanilla relationship to a D/s and then, two years ago, to a M/s relationship.

Including other people

Mr Reg likes me to have sex with other men (and women). And I am supposed to enjoy it. At first I was apprehensive. It reminded me of the past and my previous self. And I was not looking for anything anymore. I am happy with our relationship, so why go through all the trouble.  I liked having sex with other people if he was there, but mainly because it was a form of pleasing him. After a while I started to allow myself to enjoy it, enjoy the newness, the feeling of different hands on my body. A different body to get close to, different reactions to my touch and things I say or do. Allowing myself to enjoy the physical experience and the excitement of a new person with a different view on life. Now I am at a stage where I relish meeting new people both because of their body and their personality. They enrich my life, spice it up and make me feel appreciated. But every encounter also makes me appreciate Mr Reg more. Both because he lets me have this rich life and because it makes me realize he is the person I want to be with and whom I love.

Label

Are we swingers? No not really. We look for more than just casual sex with random other couples. Polyamorous? I don't know, maybe. So far the friendships have not evolved to love. In an open relationship? No not really, I am owned. But then again I can look for my own friends or partners, as long as I run it by Mr Reg. So I don't know what our relationship should be called. I do know that I am no longer looking for something but I that I have found a lot. More than I could ever have imagined. And I like it. To put it mildly ;)